Not This

not this

Scrolling aimlessly through Facebook one day I come across the above.  Elizabeth Gilbert is one of my most favorite people ever and she never stops talking to me.  That is how I feel about her.  I know that she is not specifically talking to me but it almost always feels like she is.  I read the passage and then I read it about 10 more times and then I started to feel sick.  My stomach was upset and I was sweating with tingly fingers.  I know this feeling.  It’s anxiety.  This article hit me hard.  It is my truth, I know that.  I have been trying to figure out a way to live the life of my dreams for a long time now but I just can’t seem to do it.  I have no plan B.  I only have this one job, that pays the bills but is certainly not feeding my soul.  My longing for a different kind of life is so palpable that it consumes almost every thought I have all day long.  It has become a living thing as far as I’m concerned.  It’s a part of me.  Almost the biggest part of me at this point.  I made a plea to God this morning to open a door or give me a sign to show me what to do because I honestly don’t know.  I’m scared that I’ll die without every having had the chance to live my dream.  I don’t want that.  I don’t want to look at God and say I know , I know, it was right there and I did nothing with it. I am certain about just a few things in my life, all else is a “Not This”.  God gave me three very deep passions which when I am doing them I am at peace.  I just can’t ask for anything more then that.  To do what I love and be at peace in my life.  Shouldn’t we all be able to live that way?  It sounds so easy but we all know that it’s not.

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