These are notes from the book Nothing to Prove by Jennie Allen
I am not enough and I am done trying to be.
We are not God. We do not have all the answers, strength, wisdom or energy.
I am not enough and that is absolutely Ok.
God is proud of you. He is not surprised by your list of sins or mistakes or shortcomings. He forgives you all of it when you confess to him and he never places a label on you. Your are not your mistakes. You are just his child.
I find it really interestesting to go back and read my old journals. It really helps me to see where I was and what I have improved upon and where I still need to do some work. Here is my entry from:
December 14, 2016
I have attachment issues? Yes that is a question. I might. I am on a journey. I want to stop focusing so much on happiness and move toward being fulfilled. Happiness is fleeting. It comes and goes. It isn’t something that stays 24 hours a day. Fulfillment though, that can happen.
I say yes a lot when I really mean no. I think this comes from being raised in a home with drinkers. When you are a child and you are also the fixer you become an adult people pleaser. At least I did. What if I started asking myself these two questions. Am I able to? Do I want to? It is ok for me to say no. I am learning.
I have to hold myself accountable for my own fulfillment and focus on what I want and need. I want to be one of those people that doesn’t speak badly to themselves. Talk to yourself like you would a child, they say. It sounds so easy. It is not, trust me. I will work on this.
My house is an absolute cluttered disaster . It’s messy and I can’t seem to keep it clean. Yes I have two kids still at home but they are older and it shouldn’t be like this. I want my home to be a haven for me. A place I want to be because it is so beautiful and relaxing. That sounds so amazing. I am working on this too.
So…that was Dec 14. Less then a year ago. A couple of things since this that have happened.
I am no longer talking badly or negatively to myself. I mean it happens unconsciously but I am so much more aware of this.
My cluttered house got a big make over this summer. I got rid of so many things. There is still a long way to go but I did make some really good progress!
1. Church yesterday was baptism day. It’s my favorite. I can’t properly explain what it does to my heart to see these people make the decision to be baptized. It’s glorious and it fills me with such hope and happiness.
2. Have you ever just stopped and asked yourself what matters to me? What do I value? What does my ideal life look like in my mind?
3. Just because you think it, doesn’t mean it’s true. Examine your thoughts especially the ones that bring you down.
1. I’m a wreck. I’m exhausted, stressed, and worn out in every area of my life.
I dont know where to begin in getting my shit together but I am thankful that I am aware enough to know that I need to.
2. My mom is sick. She has Alzheimer’s and watching her go through this has humbled me and scared me in ways I never thought possible.
3. I’m 46 and single and all I can say about that is that when it comes to men I have absolutley no idea what I’m doing. I attract the wrong type of men and then I try to fix them and save them and turn them into exactly what I think they should be. For the love of God, this is at the top of the list. No more saving or trying to fix anyone. I have to fix me, work on me and basically all I can do for them is pray for them.
Happy Eclipse Day!!
Hold yourself accountable for your life
Be focused on what you WANT not what you don’t
Learn to speak to your self with love
Learn how to properly relax
Work on making your home your haven