Guys I have been praying like crazy for God to show me my purpose, to allow me to want what he wants for my life. I have been wanting this and wanting that. Want want want…
I was listening to a podcast this morning and something was said and it just hit me. Maybe God has me on hold because I am not being grateful for and appreciating all the good he has ALLREADY done in my life. I’m not ready for more good. I have a lot to learn yet. I have to learn to be joyful and happy now. Now with all that I have been blessed with. Not later… now.
My life is by no means perfect but it is beautiful. I have a wonderful family and kids. Great friends. An amazing church. So many things that I take for granted.
I’m getting it and that is enough. A little piece here and little bit there God is showing me, working on me and that is enough.
Have a great day!!
I find it really interestesting to go back and read my old journals. It really helps me to see where I was and what I have improved upon and where I still need to do some work. Here is my entry from:
December 14, 2016
I have attachment issues? Yes that is a question. I might. I am on a journey. I want to stop focusing so much on happiness and move toward being fulfilled. Happiness is fleeting. It comes and goes. It isn’t something that stays 24 hours a day. Fulfillment though, that can happen.
I say yes a lot when I really mean no. I think this comes from being raised in a home with drinkers. When you are a child and you are also the fixer you become an adult people pleaser. At least I did. What if I started asking myself these two questions. Am I able to? Do I want to? It is ok for me to say no. I am learning.
I have to hold myself accountable for my own fulfillment and focus on what I want and need. I want to be one of those people that doesn’t speak badly to themselves. Talk to yourself like you would a child, they say. It sounds so easy. It is not, trust me. I will work on this.
My house is an absolute cluttered disaster . It’s messy and I can’t seem to keep it clean. Yes I have two kids still at home but they are older and it shouldn’t be like this. I want my home to be a haven for me. A place I want to be because it is so beautiful and relaxing. That sounds so amazing. I am working on this too.
So…that was Dec 14. Less then a year ago. A couple of things since this that have happened.
I am no longer talking badly or negatively to myself. I mean it happens unconsciously but I am so much more aware of this.
My cluttered house got a big make over this summer. I got rid of so many things. There is still a long way to go but I did make some really good progress!
1. I meditated three times yesterday. 3 minutes each time. I did this the three times I went to the bathroom at work yesterday. After peeing and washing my hands I sat down on the dirty floor and set the timer on my phone for three minutes and then just breathed. It’s a start.
2. I am trying to just let life unfold and see what happens. I push a lot and I am ok with that sometimes but I also think I push to much. I want to practice just allowing for awhile. Will things really come to me if I am not fighting for them? Can I just relax a little?
3. Whatever you give to life it gives it back to you. This statement scares me because just trying to think about what I am putting out into the world hurts my brain. What am I giving to life? I need to figure this out.
4. Life is short and honestly I just want to enjoy it. I want to notice all the beauty and wonder of it all. I want to savor and cherish every tiny moment of grace. I know how blessed I am. I have beautiful healthy kids, a wonderful family and all the nessicities to survive. Outwardly its all good. The stuff that is troubling is whats going on on the inside. In my heart. Peace is missing. Belief in myself is missing. My mind races from one task to the next. Peace…..
PATIENCE! It will be even better when the time is right.
I have to keep this at the front of my thoughts right now so that I don’t sink ever deeper into the well of self pity.
Sometimes not getting your way is a blessing.
Just keep marching on.